


sometimes.

by dreamsofthedragonsfire



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Seo Changbin-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 12:53:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17345582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsofthedragonsfire/pseuds/dreamsofthedragonsfire
Summary: his wrists burned, his heart burned, his entire body was burning with physical and emotional pain.he didn't know he if could hang on to this life if it meant suffering like this until the end of his days.





	sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> My first skz fic and it's so fucking sad that I couldn't write something fluffy for these adorable boys. Please look at the tags carefully, these are the trigger warnings to this fic. It's pretty heavy, please be careful.
> 
> Feel free to yell at me if this isn't great, my first language isn't english and I still struggle sometimes :)
> 
> \--
> 
> Also, this is a repost, i deleted the old fic to make it better, I didn't like the first version. 
> 
> Have a great great day ! <3

__

he heaved a deep breath.

he could feel a pain in his chest, almost as if his heart was burning. could it be a heart attack ?

he couldn’t find in himself to strenght to be agitated at the thought that his heart would maybe fail him in the next moments. after all, he wasn’t going to complain if he could finally feel the sweet release of death sooner than expectedé

_ it’d be better like that,  _ nagged a small voice inside his head.

he sighed and curled into himself, not disagreeing with his mind.

sometimes, he wondered what he was doing here on earth. what even was the point of his existence. sometimes, he wondered why he was even brought into existence. 

he was just a waste of space, breathing in the very air someone important could inhale instead.b

sometimes, he remember when he was happier, a careless and free child, naive to the world’s cruel ways, a child that smiled because it enjoyed exploring life, discovering what it had to offer to him.

sometimes, he remembers when he finally realized he didn’t matter, for in whose eyes would a boy like changbin matter, a boy with walls taller than him, a boy that barely talked, a boy that was always swearing dark colors, a boy that loved boys. 

_ a faggot. _

changbin didn’t whimper in pain, didn’t even have a tear sliding down his cheek.

he didn’t want to spend energy dwelling on himself because it didn’t matter anyway.

the pain that had before taken home in his chest had now transformed into a unfathomably massive black hole that seemed to swallow every emotion except pain down into its abyss.

he saw his phone light up from the corners of eyes, and even if he didn’t feel the slightest ounce of care for what had caused it to open, he still trained his eyes on the device to see it was a kakao notification :  _ hansquirrel has just sent 3 pictures to skiz _

he unlocked his phone, not really knowing what to expect since there hadn’t been no text sent with the files. when he did see the pictures, it seemed like an arrow had been shot right through his heart. on those pictures were posing all of his friends, with the exception of him of course, all with their smiles and the occasional peace signs, looking like they were having the time of their lives. and he was happy for them, really, glad they had realized that their happiness would be found without the way too introverted man he had become. but seeing the living, pictured proof that they were happier when he wasn’t present still nudged a sensitive part in him, the part that still yearned to be loved.

_ probably the only part that didn’t want to die yet. _

he knew that, logically, jisung had sent the photos in the groupchat since it was less trouble than sending it separately and that he didn’t mean no harm because this was  _ Han Jisung for god’s sake _ , but it felt as if the world had came to get him today, felt as if life was having fun torturing his tormented soul.

a dry chuckle left his lips : wasn’t he feeling empty just seconds ago ? it sure didn’t feel like it anymore.

_ you don’t matter. they’d be better off without you and you know it. you even have the proof before your very eyes. _

he sighed. he had knew for a while that they’d be better without him, but he wanted to be selfish,wanting to feel included, wanted to be valuable. the only reason why he hadn’t killed himself yet was the fact that he wanted to be remembered as someone that had done good. he wants to die knowing he impacted positively someone’s life.

it was the only thing that didn’t change with time : wanting to be a good person, wanting to become a better thing than the monster that he currently was.

those pictures were showing him what a better world it would be without him in it : a world where he didn’t overthink every little things and made his friends upset with him. a world where his friends would love others as equally important as them.

_ you didn’t matter to them. they only felt too bad to leave you all alone. it was all pity.  _

he closed his eyes. 

sometimes, he'd have urges to cut, urges to feel the cold metal of a blade slicing his skin, seeing the life slowly bleed out of him. 

sometimes, he wondered what would happen if he ended up going too deep.

his wrists burned, his heart burned, his entire body was burning with physical and emotional pain.

_ what is stopping you from ending it all? _

as he breathed in, he could feel the air shake in his throat, and he knew what was coming.

and he knew nothing would help. 

and as he heaved, cried and choked on thin air, his small body shaking like a leaf, he tried to ignore the fact that he probably wouldn’t be able to hang on to this world if it meant suffering like this for the rest of his days. 

sometimes, he liked to create himself fantasies. sometimes, he imagined a smiling boy next to him, a boy that would bring light into his world of darkness, a boy that would shine like the sun for which changbin would happily be the moon for. but he knew that was all it was : fantasies.

and now, more than ever, he wished for that imaginary boy to truly exist. to truly be here with him. but before such a person decided to waste their time on changbin, he would have the time to die, to take his own life.

and so he waited out the end of his panic attack, all curled up on himself.

he knew it’d be better if he wasn’t hunched like that, it’d be easier. 

but he didn’t deserve easier.  _ he didn’t. _

and when he felt like he somewhat wasn’t about to die anymore, he heard knocks on his front door.

and changbin, albeit shakingly, pulled himself up, not knowing what to expect. 

he could almost feel curiosity as to who would knock on his door when clearly all his friends were having fun together under his forced apathy.  _ almost _ .

he went to the door, not even caring to freshen himself up for he didn’t think he was going to be here for a while longer, and couldn’t bother to make a good impression he probably wouldn't see again.

he opened the door to a blonde guy, a tall boy with freckles and a young looking face. 

‘‘hi, my name is felix, and i just moved in the apartment in front of you. i hope we’ll get along well.’’

his voice was deeper than he expected, along with an australian accent he knew way too well because of his one aussie friend chan. he observed the boy, he had a nice smile, bright eyes. he seemed like someone that wanted to love, someone that still thought the world was a good place. changbin longed for that innocence.

‘‘ my name's changbin.”

_ way to fucking know, at least you know you won't have to see again, alive or not. you are such a disappointing person, you can't even greet people without sounding like an ass. and even more, you had the nerves to introduce yourself to such a pure human being. how could you? he doesn't deserve the curse that is knowing you. _

and so, just like that, he slammed the door, mind reeling with hate-filled thoughts directed towards himself.

_ sometimes, sometimes he just wished he could reach out for help.   _

__  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Don't we all love vent fics ? :)
> 
> please feed my need of validation by leaving kudos and comments, it's greatly appreciated!
> 
> If any of you lovelies need to talk, here is my [twitter ](https://twitter.com/kdottokie?s=09) <33
> 
> have the greatest day, love ya and thank you for making it this far 💕


End file.
